Croft for President
Have you seen Lara Croft?
If you haven't, you're one of the dwindling few.
Lara Croft is the heroine of Eidos Interactive/Core Design's
popular video game series,
The series consists of three games, with the fourth scheduled for a
As mentioned, Lara Croft is the heroine of these increasingly
popular games. The
games are only recently available on the Mac platform, which is
probably why more
devotees crop up every time you look.
The game has its own USENET group: alt.games.tombraider.
There is an official Eidos-sponsored site at www.laracroft.com,
and a bang-up, highly recommended unofficial site at http://www.tombraiders.com/.
Anyway, I've been familiarizing myself with Lara's dossier and
firmly believe that
she is the Republican candidate we need for President in the year
Lara Croft is an archaeologist by trade, and as such has traveled
the world. This
job-related experience would definitely help her with foreign
She doesn't usually interact with the other people she sees, though
she will, without
remorse, shoot bad guys, rats and wolves.
If she'd led the mideast peace agreement, she'd probably have held
Arafat and Netanyahu
at gunpoint until they just signed the thing already.
Lara's no bleeding-heart gun controller. I'd imagine she'd beat
Charlton Heston at
his NRA game. The Tomb Raider
even admits that "Guns don't kill people, Lara does."
But fans of the game love Tomb Raider for its puzzles, not its
Theresa at tombraiders.com says that in Tomb Raider the violence is mild,
is one of the reasons she plays it.
"I won't play the blood and guts games." Theresa said.
"Plus, it isn't
very ladylike to decapitate people."
Lara's strength is not centered in her body, though my friend
Brandon says that Lara
is "so ridiculously buxom that it detracts from the
game," but rather in
her athleticism combined with the player's puzzle-solving ability.
Lara knows her storyline and sticks to it.
And don't expect that you'd ever catch her in flagrante
delicto with some
man she's encountered. The only man she has any real contact with
is her butler,
Jeeves, and they do not have an, ahem, presidential relationship.
In fact, to the players' delight, Lara is fully capable of locking
Jeeves in the
cellar or the refrigerator of Lara's home. Otherwise, he just
follows her around,
rattling a teacup and acting annoyingly.
Wouldn't we all be better off if we had a president who could
simply lock away well-intended
but easily dismissed staff members, without so much as looking back
over his shoulder?
Her bra size is only surpassed by her ability to get out of
perilous situations with
style and flair.
Imagine a candidate who had such skill and ability!
Simon Cox, executive editor of Next
magazine, agrees that Lara is "one of the most popular
of all time." In fact, the character has inspired what Loren
P., a regular on
alt.games.tombraider, calls "the personality cult of Lara
Game players are genuinely fond of both the character *and* her
"On the one hand, she's the driving force: She's the nucleus
of the story, she's
allowing you to take part in her adventures." Homme A. Piest,
a fan of Tomb
Raider I and II since August, 1997, said. "On the other hand,
she's under your
control: You feel responsible for her, as if *you*'re [sic] the one
taking her with
you on an adventure."
Wouldn't it be great if we had a Republican (I love that I can
capitalize that :-)
presidential candidate of whom we all felt so fond and protective?
I don' t know about you, but Bob Dole just didn't do it for me, and
neither did Bush
In fact, in 1992 I wrote in Jack Kemp for the top job, and he was
nominated for VP
In 1996, I wrote in Elizabeth Dole for the top job, and Kemp was
already on the ticket
as VP for Bob Dole.
So I'm hoping that means next year we'll have an Elizabeth
Dole/Jack Kemp ticket.
But I'd dump Kemp, bump E. Dole to the veep spot, and take Lara for
an Internet minute.
Imagine: A youthful female president who's competent as
all-git-out. Her body would
numb mens' minds, while the women, unhindered, could guide Lara,
and the country through all of the infernal puzzles we face.
copyright © 1998
and may not be
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© 1998 by
Interactive and may not
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