The FDA Changes Its Name!
Charter Drawn For the 'Fetal Demise Administration' (New FDA)
By Bonnie Chernin Rogoff
October 6, 2000
BREAKING NEWS - On the heels of its landmark decision to legalize the abortion drug RU-486, this week the FDA announced that they will permanently change the name of their agency. Formerly known as the Food and Drug Administration, the FDA has aborted that name...in a manner of speaking...in favor of the more user-friendly designation, "Fetal Demise Administration."
Our star reporter, 'Babe on the Beat' Bonnie Beth, was on the scene to interview Dr. G. LIFESUX, who was hired as the Chief Commissioner of the Fetal Demise Division to develop and maintain pharmacological safety standards for the drug, and oversee packaging and distribution. DR. LIFESUX was formerly a Professor at Pryncetyn University where she and colleague Dr. Peter Swinger (professor of bio-ethics) co-authored a paper entitled "Cell Divisions and Pathology in the Cerebral Cortex of a Five Year Old Apparent Fetal Brain."
"Dr. LIFESUX, please tell Jews For Life what prompted your agency to adopt...er, excuse me I'm sorry...choose the name "Fetal Demise Administration?"
"Well, Bonnie Beth, as you know, for some time now, American Women have been deprived of the right to biochemically disengage themselves from potentially life-threatening internal parasites that have manifested themselves inside various reproductive organs, in particular, the uterus. This parasitic effect, as the feminist doctors among us call it, takes a terrible toll on the future health of these afflicted women."
"In what way?"
"We've received reports that many women have found themselves victims of these parasites, and over the next nine months have complained of unpleasant physical manifestations, such as abdominal swelling and morning sickness. We've also noted some abnormal psychological sensations, typically symptomatic of what we now know is 'Maternal Instinct Disorder While Intact Fetus Exists' (MIDWIFE Syndrome). Some of these women longed to have a fetus born, watch it grow, become stay-at-home moms..."
"Uh, DR. LIFESUX, can we get back to the original question, please?"
"Question? Oh, yes. Well, we at the new FDA have decided to expand the scope of our services. Rather than merely regulate drugs to heal disease, we've incorporated a division that will oversee new drugs developed to terminate germinal life forms. Parasites, if you will. We chose the name "Fetal Demise Administration" for two reasons. 'Fetal' derives from the Latin 'foetus' that refers to parasites under a specific gestational age of development..."
"What about using the term, "infant?"
"We're not dealing with infants here. Not yet, anyway."
"Oh, okay. But what made you choose the term "demise" for the name of your agency? People calling our newspaper have been confused, wondering why you selected 'demise' rather than 'death' which is easier to remember. "Fetal Death Administration" would have been an alternate choice."
"Yes, well, that decision was a wonderful collaborated effort between myself and Dr. Swinger. We wanted to accurately describe our primary purpose here, and the principles governing our new agency. You see, there really is no such thing as actual fetal death. Fetal death is apparent, but not real. Think of it this way...we are all life-challenged...all of us...and at a certain point in our gestational development, we simply cease to continue breathing, and our cellular structure alters in accommodation, helping us become part of the unliving, as it were.
"Sounds almost like a Frankenstein monster."
"Not at all. That would require a new creation of an unliving being formed from parts already dead. Fetal demise is the exact opposite. It transforms into an unliving being from a currently existing life form. But the fetus does not die. It simply demises. What happens is, the fetal cells first form and divide, then with the help our drug RU-486, the cells demise, disappear and then regenerate.
"What does the fetus regenerate into, and where?"
"Physics determines that all fetal life, even advanced life, is probably transformed into an energy matter that is invisible, but still exists within the spiritual realm, in the space around us. We can't see it, yet it exerts a measure of influence upon us. This, of course, may explain the MIDWIFE syndrome. It could be that once the fetal life form evolves into this other form, it can possess mystical powers that science can not tap. This simply transcends our knowledge at this time."
"Gee, that sounds almost religious. I mean, I've always been taught that when you believe in God, there is life even after death. That is, demise."
"Absolutely right. However, that's a religious question that doesn't fall into play here."
"Is it possible your selection of the word "demise" rather than "death" was politically motivated?"
"Well, yes, that did in fact have some bearing. Indeed, we did not want the public to have the mistaken impression that FDA officials were in any way promoting the true death of a life form. Simply put, we are hastening demise and regeneration, without causing actual death of life."
"Now I understand. DR. LIFESUX, do you think now that the Supreme Court handed down the Nebraska decision on partial birth abortion, allowing a woman to terminate...I mean, cause the demise...of a nine month old life form by suctioning its brains, that there will be another pro-life/pro-choice battle over RU-486 that will reach the Supreme Court?"
"Well, first, let me correct you, Bonnie Beth. It is inaccurate to use that bogus term 'partial birth abortion', for so-called "birth" is simply a later stage of fetal transition toward the life forms' biological destiny, which is to reach a state of unliving. Second, the organic matter that you refer to is not classified as a brain until the fetus can think for itself."
"When would that be?"
"Scientists have argued...but it is now generally accepted that by age five, when a fetus enters Kindergarten, it has a rudimentary consciousness. But in answer to your question, yes, I do believe there will be a long, drawn out Supreme Court battle, because so-called 'pro-life' forces continue to insist that there is actual life before and after birth, even though it has already been scientifically established that life is only apparent, not genuine."
"DR. LIFESUX, in light of the FDA's landmark decision regarding RU-486, how do you address your critics who have expressed outrage at your agency's refusal to allow administration of new groundbreaking cancer therapies, such as anti-neoplaston drugs, that have been proven more effective in treating incurable brain tumors in children than standard chemotherapy?"
"Well, most of the so-called 'children' stricken with these brain tumors are three, maybe four years old. As I just mentioned, there is a question as to whether their lives are genuine and warrant saving, for they have not demonstrated proven consciousness. Remember the FDA has limited financial resources and doesn't have the funding for unnecessary research."
"But if the FDA is allowing women to obtain a drug that, in your words, demises life, why do you deny children access to drugs that can save their lives? Over the past week, our newsroom has been deluged with complaints that your agency was very quick to legalize an abortifacient, while blocking the use of selective drugs and therapies proven to cure terminal cancer patients. Please explain."
"It's a business decision. Our new agency, remember, is the Fetal Demise Administration, and our new charter gives us the right to apply our principles of fetal demise to older parasites as well as younger ones."
"Once RU-486 is marketed, will you be including a pamphlet listing all the potential side effects of the drug?"
"No, because we believe it is a woman's right to choose whether to know or not know the dangers inherent in demising her own life forms and/or parasites."
"But there have been reports of excessive bleeding, even hemorrhaging, and there are dangers if a woman has a tubal pregnancy or a history of..."
"There is another drug administered with RU-486, but a woman must access the information herself, or she would not be making a true choice. We don't want to make that decision for her."
"Who will pay for RU-486?"
"Taxpayers, I hope. The drugs are expensive, you know, and poor women can't always afford it."
"So we will have to shoulder the burden, even if we are opposed to abortion?"
"Think of it this way. It's not an actual abortion. It's a transition from one apparent life form into another."
"DR. LIFESUX, do you consider yourself an actual life form, or an apparent one?" (The doctor laughs)
"Well, it depends. When I'm busy working, I know I'm actual, for my mind is intricately involved in tasks, demonstrating proof of consciousness. But now, when I'm tired, I could be apparent, yes."
"We are approaching the end...er, the demise...of our interview, doctor. Will you please tell our viewers how you got your interesting name?"
"Well, the root prefix 'LIFE' stems from a sense of being alive, existing, as we know it. The suffix 'SUX" is slang and refers to something undesirable. But it's also very possible that some extremely clever actual life form dreamed up my name. Come to think of it, maybe the life form dreamed me up, too!" (more laughter)
"Finally, how do you feel when your name is used in contemporary idiomatic expressions? Such as, 'LIFESUX AND THEN YOU DIE?' Does that disturb you?"
"It's disappointing. Not that they use my name, but that it proves we haven't done our best to re-educate the public regarding the nature of death. I look forward to a day when we can all say, 'lifesux and then you demise.' That's the correct phraseology we should agree upon.
"Thank you, DR. LIFESUX. Have a good actual life."
"Once women start buying RU-486, I most apparently will."
*The article above is a parody, that is, it is apparent...not actual or real. All names, places and events are a figment of the author's highly active imagination, probably the result of too much caffeine. Any similarities to persons alive or dead are merely a coincidence.
Copyright 2000 by Bonnie Chernin Rogoff. Not to be reproduced in any fashion, in whole or in part, without written consent from the author. All rights reserved.