Into The DOG House...With Senator Boxer
By Bonnie Chernin Rogoff
Founder, Jews For Life
January 18, 2001
Once again, our 'Babe on the Beat' Bonnie Beth was fetched from the Jews For Life newsroom to go to Washington on a special assignment. This time, she will go "Into the DOG House" with Senator Boxer for a series of interviews on the political scene. Today, they will be speaking about the Ashcroft nomination.
BB: Senator Boxer, how are you today?
Boxer: Oh, same as usual. On the prowl.
BB: Yes, I noticed that pin you wearing....what is the inscription?
Boxer: This thing? It reads: 'I may be a bitch, but I ain't no dog!' [wink!] I got this as a gift from the AKC!
BB: The American Kennel Club?
Boxer: No, no! The Ashcroft Kangaroo Committee, a new division of the DOG House. Hey, we're putting together a great slander campaign to spoil John's hearings for the A.G. spot. My husband is so proud of me. He keeps singing that old tune. Remember Paul Anka? [Boxer breaks into song]...'And they called it puppy love!'
BB: Sure. So, er, Senator...tell Jews For Life, what exactly is the "DOG House?"
Boxer: Democrats Opposing God (DOG) is a new legislative body in the Senate. Now that we have a Republican born-again President, we must excise god from everything before it's too late. No god in our government, bedrooms, schools, churches, synagogues, and certainly no god in our Attorney General.
BB: Uh...no God in our churches or synagogues?
Boxer: Some of our radical constituents are offended that they have to hear any mention of god during their religious services.
BB: I see. Um, Senator Boxer...talk to me about Senator John Ashcroft. I hear you are not planning to support him at the confirmation hearings.
Boxer: Woof. Woof, WOOF! Grrrrrruff! RUFF!!! RUFF!!!....
BB: How's that?!!
Boxer: Doggone it! What's with this microphone? What I meant to say is, we're going to treat John rough. He'll get the once over twice. I'll bare my fangs. We Boxers play rough.
BB: Are these rabid attacks justified? Is it fair to try and destroy Senator Ashcroft, and paint him as a racist just because of his principled positions?
Boxer: We have to. He's against everything we Democrats stand for.
BB: You mean you have no principled positions?
Boxer: We have OUR beliefs. Plenty of Principals, too. We own the Teachers Unions.
BB: I meant the OTHER principles. You know, values. Morals. [Sen. Boxer appears confused.]
Boxer: What are morals?
BB: [Sigh...] Never mind. Tell Jews For Life what kinds of positions do you have?
Boxer: None. Our purpose is to hear things that don't exist. See, we Boxers are 'hearing' guard dogs and are trained to protect. In this case, I'm in charge of the Senate Hearings on John's nomination, to protect the Justice Department from his integrity.
BB: My AKC book tells me that Boxers were used for dogfighting and bullbaiting until the middle of the 19th century, when this type of activity was outlawed.
Boxer: Since when do we obey the law?
BB: So you feel Senator Ashcroft lacks the qualifications...
Boxer: Oh, stop dogging me about his qualifications. Look. Everybody knows he's fit for the job! Anyway, John will probably survive the hearings.
BB: WITH YOU LEADING THE PACK?
Boxer: Don't give it a thought. My Bork is worse than my bite. It's Rep. Maxine Waters you have to worry about. 'Waters Slaughters,' that's her motto.
BB: I'll remember. So, tell Jews For Life about this new pack...group you're heading...some special sub-committee within the AKC of the DOG House?
Boxer: It's called the Ashcroft Resistance Front. ARF, for short.
BB: [Laughs] What is the function of this sub-committee, ARF?
Boxer: We're on the hunt and digging up lots of dirt on John Ashcroft. What he did as Senator in Missouri, as Governor and as Attorney General. Then we'll hound him. Put him on the fence.
BB: That's quite a project to get together in less than a week. Do you have any help with the research on his...uh...record?
Boxer: PAW. I mean, PFAW. People for the American Way. They don't like John much either.
BB: Don't you think you're taking this anti-Ashcroft campaign a little far? I mean, looking back at the Clinton/Gore era, Janet Reno became the center of controversy when she refused to investigate campaign finance scandals. You did nothing.
Boxer: We're on Ashcroft, not Reno.
BB: There were troubling campaign finance issues that Reno covered up. True?
Boxer: You're Borking up the wrong Trie!
BB: I think a comparison is fair game. Okay, tell us, are you or are you not planning to confirm Senator Ashcroft as Attorney General?
BB: Not? So why bother with ARF?
Boxer: We must get the Republicans trained now. There's also a new political youth group, Stop Ashcroft Today. They run really great smear commercials.
BB: Never heard of 'em. What are they, some kind of "Ad Hoax Committee?"
Boxer: Any little bit helps. Heck, if the DOG House can libel Ashcroft, imagine how easy it'll be to get our own liberal Justices on the Supreme Court! We plan to go after all of Bush's picks, and keep him begging.
BB: Speaking of picks, I have a bone to pick with you. Your party is very fond of illegal immigrants, especially when they enter the voting booths. How do you feel about Linda Chavez' downfall?
Boxer: Wasn't that great?
BB: What about Bush's new choice for Labor, Elaine Chou? I hear she's just as conservative as Chavez.
Boxer: Yep. Chows can be difficult pets to train. They tend to stray away from home, so we'll have to make sure both Houses are in order. Keep her on a short leash. Sometimes Chows can turn on you. They have killer instincts.
BB: What'll you do if she turns her killer instincts on Big Labor, affirmative action and the minimum wage?
Boxer: What can you do with a bad Chow? Make sure she's House broken. Restrain and retrain. We can't let conservatives run away with a lead.
BB: Finally, what do you think of Clinton's recent statements, in a speech he made?
Boxer: [Laughs] Oh, when he said: "This dog is still Borking?"
Boxer: Pay it no mind. He was referring to Socks, who kept attacking Bill's Lab. The two didn't like each other. Bill had to nip it in the Bud.
BB: Really? You don't think he was referring to himself?
Boxer: Bill Clinton? He never thinks of himself! He's a lap dog. He'll sit on any chick's lap and come on command. Now, how can you think such a man could be a wolf?
BB: You know what, Senator Boxer? I'm going to toss you a Milk Bone.
Boxer: Be my guest.
BB: I think Ashcroft is going to be confirmed. With or without your Kangaroo Committee. [Boxer is quiet]
Boxer: Really. Are you sure?
BB: Yep. Pretty sure. He's a nice guy. He's not the 'once bitten, twice shy' type.
Boxer: [Sighs] Well, then I guess ARF will have to look to look elsewhere for dirt. Speaking of which, Katherine Harris won't be getting a post in the Bush administration. That dame's lipstick smears worse than the NAACP. And did you catch that gown they're designing for her for the Inaugural Ball? It's the same color as her lips! Who does she think she is, Gloria All Red?
BB: And that's it for our interview folks...
Boxer: I just heard Kate on the radio, talking about a pet goldfish she got for New Years. Figures. She named it Chad...
BB: We hope you'll come back next time, for another exciting 'Into the DOG House' discussion...
Boxer: ...Too bad goldfish don't bite...
BB: ...when we will speak with feminist lawyer Gloria All Red, who will talk about her new beauty book: "How To Be A Sexy Arbiter In and Out of Red."
Boxer: ...I hate Gloria! She looks hot! And she makes more money than I do!
BB: Now, now, don't get catty, Senator...
Boxer: "Someone help me, help me pleeeezzzzze.. Is the answer up abbbbbbovvve..."
BB: Uh, hello?
Boxer: "How can I, how can I tell them... This is not a puppy loooovvvvvvve!!!!!!"
BB: Ouch! G'bite, Senator Boxer!!!
*Author's note: The above dog tail is a parody. It never took place. The author can not verify the existence of "ARF" or any government committee known as the DOG House. All names, people, events and places are overly made up, like Katherine Harris. Jews For Life takes no responsibility if anyone decides to contact the American Kennel Club looking for a Senator named Boxer, or vice versa.
Copyright 2001 by Bonnie Chernin Rogoff. Not to be reproduced in any fashion, in whole or in part, without written consent from the author. All rights reserved.