The Democratic Parody's First 100 Daze
By Bonnie Chernin Rogoff
Founder, Jews For Life
May 12, 2001
Breaking News: The Democratic Non-Partisan Committee issued a statement indicating that despite the close election, President Bush has reneged on his pledge to cooperate with Congressional Democrats to bring a sense of unity in Washington. Senate Minority Leader Dick Gephardt issued a scathing statement condemning President Bush for not cooperating with the objectives of Democratic Party leaders. Senator Daschle echoed those sentiments, calling President Bush's first 100 days in office a referendum on right-wing extremism.
However, 'Babe on the Beat' news chick Bonnie Beth conducted a separate investigation that disclosed confidential tapes and transcripts taken from in-House private Democratic meetings. The tapes tell a whole new story. Let's listen:
Cast of Characters:
Sen. Tom Daschle
Sen. Dick Gephardt
Sen. Barbara Boxer
Sen. Diane Feinstein
Sen. Chuckie Schumer
Sen. Joseph Lieberman
Sen. Ted Kennedy
Sen. John McCain
Vice President-reject Al Gore
President-deject Bill C.
Rep. Jerrold Nadler
Rep. Anthony Weiner
Day 1: Daschle: Instruct the other Senators we can't let him get away with that tax cut he's asking for. Voters always remember tax cuts.
Day 2: Gephardt: True, true. Once they see they're wealthier, we're done for. We gotta keep 'em poor enough to keep the recession going.
Day 3: Chuckie: A better approach would be to destroy Senator Ashcroft.
Day 4: Nadler: Right! It's bad enough we're stuck with a right-wing religious President! God help us if we have a pro-life…that is, anti-choice Attorney General…
Day 5: Lieberman: Yeah, but, uh, wait a minute, uh, I believe in G-d, observe Shabbat…
Day 6: Kennedy: Uh, was that pork fried rice I just saw you eating?
Day 7: Lieberman: Nah. Just pork. Plenty of pork in the pocket…
Day 8: Daschle: I just found out Ashcroft refused to appoint one black judge!
Day 9: Boxer: So what? He's appointed many blacks to the federal bench.
Day 10: Daschle: Shut up! You can't say that! Repeat after me…Ashcroft is a racist. Don't forget now. A racist!
Day 11: Boxer: Okay, okay. I'll remember!
Day 12: Chuckie: What about Jean Carnahan? She's planning to vote to confirm Ashcroft.
Day 13: Gephardt: We'll take care of her. Give her a good committee assignment. Money talks.
Day 14: Feinstein: Piece of cake. We'll get it from the middle class taxpay…er, ah…upper one percent…
Day 15: Chuckie: Read my lips. No new tax cuts!
Day 16: Daschle: Gotta keep that recession goin' strong.
Day 17: Boxer: Tee, hee. Don't you love it? We Senators get another raise, the middle class suffers, and Bush takes the blame. I love it. Hee, hee!
Day 18: Hillary: I don't need a raise. I've got my book, my townhouse…
Day 19: Feinstein: I'm rich too, but I'll take the dough. As for you, Hillary, you also got those illegal votes from that Republican Jewish district upstate New York. All for pardons. So you'd better quiet down, girl.
Day 20: Hillary: Yeah, but don't worry. Those *#!@*! JEW *#!@*! will always vote for me, no matter what!
Day 21: Daschle: We've gotta keep milking the recount issue, for all it's worth!
Day 22: Gore: What for? I thought I'm President!
Day 23: Hillary: Are you still here? I thought you were teaching at Columbia?
Day 24: Feinstein: Yeah! Get to the back of the class.
Day 25: Gore: Gee, I could have sworn I won the recount…
Day 26: Gephardt: Yeah, right. Have you forgotten all those military votes for Bush that conveniently got lost in the mail…?
Day 27: Hillary: And what about all those dead voters, and motor voters?
Day 28: Chuckie: Read my lips. No new tax cuts!
Day 29: Kennedy: What a PIP! Chafee and Jeffords are working for us!
Day 30: Nadler: I feel kind of bad that we have to cheat hard workers like this. It is their money, and there is a huge surplus.
Day 31: Chuckie: What do you care? As long as Bush gets blamed, we're in for 2002.
Day 32: Lieberman: (groan) T.G.I.F. Now I can go home for Sabbath….!
Day 33: Feinstein: Shut up, Joe! You can't keep up that phony faith front. You're not campaigning anymore, and it's gonna make Bush look good!
Day 34: Lieberman: Why? Is he JEWISH?
Day 35: Boxer: Pardon me, but…is this stuff about the Marc Rich pardon true?
Day 36: Kennedy: Of course! How do you think we got the dough to get Bill re-elected?
Day 37: Gore: Wait a minute! I thought that dough came from the Buddhist Temple luncheon?
Day 38: Bill C: Hey, everybody! I'm baaaaaccck….!
Day 39: Hillary: GET HIM OUTTA HERE!
Day 40: Bill: Aw, come on, honey. I can't just sit home watchin'. I pardoned those crooks to get your votes. Once everybody learns how we cheated and lied…!
Day 41: Hillary: You mean how YOU cheated and lied, you two-timing *#!@*! creep!
Day 42: Nadler: Remember, we've gotta present Bush as anti-choice and bad for women.
Day 43: Bill: Nobody's as bad for women as I am, fer sure…!
Day 44: Feinstein: Shouldn't be a problem. We've got the Supreme Court on our side. Now, everybody believes partial birth abortion is just a choice.
Day 45: Boxer: Well, isn't it? I mean, what's the big deal about aborting before birth, during birth or after birth! It's just a stupid ZYGOTE!
Day 46: Chuckie: Read my flips. No new tax cuts!
Day 47: Kennedy: Speaking of which, I got Bush to cave on education!
Day 48: Weiner: How on Earth Day did you pull that off?
Day 49: Kennedy: I agreed to listen to his compromise on instituting testing standards in the public schools.
Day 50: Weiner: BUT WE CAN'T DO THAT! In New York the teachers can't teach and the kids can't read! We'll be finished!
Day 51: Kennedy: Never fear. I agreed we'd listen. That doesn't mean we have to learn. Meanwhile, Bush will be giving in to us on VOUCHERS!
Day 52: Boxer: Hey, look at this! The Miami Herald did another recount and it says George W. won!
Day 53: Gore: I don't believe it. I'm going dedicate the remainder of my public life to recounting the votes.
Day 54: McCain: Speaking of votes, I told you guys I'd change mine next time around and support partial birth abortion if you'd support campaign finance. What gives?
Day 55: Kennedy: Oh, don't worry John! That vote's all set to go, along with a budget plan that'll kill the 1.6 trillion dollar tax cut.
Day 56: Chuckie: So-called partial birth abortion isn't enough. You have to support so-called after-birth abortion, too! You must support unlimited so-called choice. I mean, choice.
Day 57: McCain: No problem. I hate Bush. He makes me mad! Grrrr!
Day 58: Hillary: I found some phony studies we can manipulate to convince voters the problem with the environment is worse than they think.
Day 59: Daschle: There's always carbon dioxide.
Day 60: Gephardt: And global warming…
Day 61: Nadler: We'll get the networks to run smear commercials. If we can't buy 'em, I'll ask Barbra for some help.
Day 62: Feinstein: It's been approved! Now remember your promise, John. You should be thrilled. Campaign finance is approved!
Day 63: McCain: I'll remember. But I'm still mad. I hate Bush. I'll do anything to wreck his administration. He makes me MAD! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!
Day 64: Boxer: Destroy the economy. Get him on poisoned water…
Day 65: Weiner: Read my quips…
Day 66: Chuckie: NO NEW TAX CUTS!
Day 67: Boxer: Omigod! I just heard something on the news! Something about…our spy plane made an emergency landing.
Day 68: Hillary: WHERE?
Day 69: Feinstein: China!
Day 70: Bill: Oh, NO! I was the one who gave them all that missile technology. If anything happens…I'll be blamed for this. Oh, BOO HOO!!!
Day 71: Nadler: Are you crazy! This is GREAT! I LOVE IT! Bush may end up with his first HOSTAGE CRISIS!
Day 72: Bill: I'll be blamed. It's my fault!
Day 73: Gore: You mean it's MY fault. Bill. I'm President now!
Day 74: Lieberman: (Sigh) Can I go home now? It'll be sundown soon.
Day 75: Weiner: I'm gonna be on Fox News this week. I'm supporting Bush's actions on China.
Day 76: Hilllary, Boxer and Feinstein: Are you out of your mind?
Day 77: The Entire Congress: You can't be serious!
Day 78: Weiner: Look we've gotta say that Bush is doing something right. He's been reaching out. The voters may think it's a left-wing plot.
Day 79: Hillary: That's right-wing plot! That's MY line, Weiner, and don't you forget it or I'll smash your *%!#&@* head in, you weasel!
Day 80: Feinstein: Bush is planning to make partial birth, aahh, abortion, I-I-mean---choice---more difficult for women. Barbara, you're an expert at this!
Day 81: Boxer: True. My BORK is worse than my bite. Let's remember to BORK all his pro-life.…um….errr….ANTI-CHOICE ….Supreme Court choices.
Day 82: Nadler: Shh! I just heard something! Whoa! Bush may have reached an agreement to get the detainees back. DAMN!
Day 83: Boxer: This is some President we've got. He's been traveling the country talking tax cuts. The new polls are out rating his performance. GUESS WHAT! They LIKE BUSH!
Day 84: Chuckie: READ MY FLIPS! NO NEW TAX CUTS!!!
Day 85: Weiner: No choice BUT pro-choice.
Day 86: Gore: Good evening, and welcome, my fellow Americans. Thank you so much for recounting me as your President…
Day 87: Kennedy: WHAT!? Oh, man…get that loser outta here! Sink him.
Day 88: Hillary: Uh-oh! More bad news! Bush's tax cut is resonating with the public. New polls are out! He's even more popular than my *$*#!&! husband!
Day 89: Feinstein: NO! We're cooked! We're gonna have to settle!
Day 90: Daschle: It's worse. Trent is working out a deal with Sen. Breaux!
Day 91: Gephardt: Look. Here's what we'll do. The DNC will trounce Bush's ratings with commercials that'll bash him on the environment. It should work.
Day 92: Boxer: OH, YEAH! This one's a DOOZY! Have you seen it?
Day 93: Nadler: WOW! A little girl asking for more arsenic in her drinking water! How GROSS!
Day 94: Bill: Aw, forget the arsenic, fellas. Just give me some of that old lace, with the little girl…!
Day 95: Hillary: Are you still here! Get outta here, you TWO-TIMIN' slimebucket! I'll teach you…! (Hillary picks up a bucket of hot water, laced with arsenic…)
Day 96: Bill: Aw, c'mon honey, that's dangerous…!
Day 97: Gephardt and Daschle: Oh, no! She's mad! And she's giving him the Chinese Water Torture! Run! RUN!
Day 98: The Congress: LOOK OUT! He's in HOT WATER now!
(Hillary dumps the bucket on Bill's head)
Day 99: Hillary: How's that for some GLOBAL WARMING!
(As everyone looks on, Bill Clinton walks off, wet and dazed, singing the old rock song…)
Day 100: Bill: Denise, scoobie doo, I'm still in love with you, Denise, scoobie doo, I pardoned him for you…!
POSTSCRIPT (from the Oval Office)
Day 101: President Bush: Hmmm….$1.35 TRILLION? Wow. Not a bad compromise. Thanks a LOTT!
Note: All of the discussions and events presented above are fictitious, which means they are not real and never happened to the author's knowledge. The characterizations are a figment of the author's strange and highly active imagination, probably the result of too much caffeine. Any resemblance to persons living, dead, or recounted can be blamed on the Florida Supreme Court or Chock Full 'O Nuts. Direct all complaints accordingly.
Copyright 2001 by Bonnie Chernin Rogoff. Not to be reproduced in any fashion, in whole or in part, without written consent from the author. All rights reserved.