IT'S JUST ABOUT SEX!!!
Bill Maher from the show Politically Incorrect recently made a speech about what Bill Clinton should have said in his August 17 address to the Nation. The gist of the speech was that the case is just about sex. Mr. Mahers' comments have inspired Rightgrrl to publish our own piece of satire.
IT'S JUST ABOUT SEX!!!
NEWS FLASH [Washington, DC] -- According to a myriad of media reports, not to mention the highly-regarded opinions of Democrat strategists, the machinations of Ken Starr, Paula Jones, Bob Bennett, Linda Tripp, Kathleen Willey, Bill Clinton, Lucianne Goldberg, Sidney Blumenthal, Monica Lewinsky, etc. are just, merely and simply "about sex."
This should come as welcome news to Linda Tripp, who faces criminal charges in Maryland for secretly taping her phone conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Sources close to Tripp are quoted as gossping about the fact that Tripp feels a "sense of relief" knowing that because her tape-recorded conversations are just "about sex" no prosecutor would dream of pursuing an investigation (her federal immunity notwithstanding).
An unidentified feminist organizer, according to a source close to "her," remarked confidentially to a "friend," that what Linda Tripp does in her personal life "is really none of our business." True enough, it would seem, as organized feminism has been wary of policing and enforcing the laws of female "friendship" outside of the workplace. Since Lewinsky's conversations were allegedly taped after 5 p.m., it would seem Linda Tripp violated no left-wing friendship doctrines.
"I hear she was doing a pretty good job over at the Pentagon," a source close to Tripp's boss' secretary whispered into the ear of a young upstart reporter sipping a Brandy Alexander after hours at a Washington night spot.
While most of the crustier journalists sitting nearby interpreted this to mean that Tripp's personal life must have been more boring than Clinton's, the young upstart reporter (his pierced tongue stinging from the brandy, but bravely not letting on) correctly identified the source's key point: Tripp's job approval rating trumped any and all illegal activity.
Sidney Blumenthal is also reportedly breathing "easier." For months he's endured relentless (not to mention mean-spirited) criticism, the result of allegations that his job at the Clinton White House was to dig up dirt on the sex lives of various Republican Congresspersons. However, even if Blumenthal did leak the Henry Hyde sexual affair to some cranky online ezine, it was all just "about sex," therefore Blumenthal did absolutely nothing wrong. Sources close to Blumenthal's computer monitor, however, secretly question why his attorney seemed so apparently worried and defensive when the allegations were mentioned by the hallowed and virtuous lips of Cokie Roberts. Other sources close to Blumenthal's file cabinet dismiss such questions, stating confidently, "A defense lawyer is supposed to be 'defensive.'"
The big loser, of course, in light of the revelation that this has all been just, merely and simply "about sex," would seem to be Paula Jones. Apparently she did not, in fact, have a substantial case against Bill Clinton as her allegations were just, merely and simply "about sex." Jones is described as "disappointed" at this latest media revelation, but sources close to Jones had the audacity to cite Clinton's offer of a $700,000 settlement as proof of Clinton's guilt. "As if," a collective of crusty, upstart journalists was heard to mutter behind several half-full brandy snifters.
In contrast, the biggest winner would have to be Ken Starr, who, when forced to testify before Congressional Democrats later this year, will be armed with a fool-proof defense: if you're investigating a president under the limitless rules set forth by the Independent Counsel statute, and your investigation is just "about sex," not only are you free and clear of any and all legal or ethical charges James Carville could ever "think" up -- and no, colluding with Paula Jones' attorneys doesn't count; that case was just "about sex" -- you are also automatically deemed innocent of spending any taxpayer money, of ever behaving in an "out of control" manner, and it will be proven (at taxpayer expense) that the very car you drive to your Independent Counsel job every morning emits no air pollution.
Several hours after the White House had no comment about the fact that his sexual affair was just, merely and simply "about sex," a vindicated Tripp supporter hiding out in the West Wing couldn't help but wonder aloud, "If 'mean people suck' so much, why are all the sensitive liberal types making fat jokes and 'ugly' remarks about Linda?" It is speculated that this question will remain officially "unanswered" until the highly-regarded members of the media issue a definitive analysis and subsequent explanation. One source close to the media expects poll numbers to play a large role.
### Thanks to Stephanie Herman for "discovering" this report! ;)