How to Make a Mockery of the Justice System:
A Primer

By Carolyn and Stephanie - Rightgrrl Founders

Since Clinton initially took office and altered the cultural and legal landscape of our country, what have we learned? Based on the trial balloon defenses put forth by Clinton supporters, we've learned a few helpful hints, actually, for any would-be criminal curious about just how to beat the odds when committing perjury, suborning perjury, or obstructing justice.

We now know that all married men are justified in cheating on their wives (thanks Patricia Ireland!). What's more, because men don't legally "cheat" unless they are married, there is no such thing as "cheating" (thanks Patricia Ireland!).

We now know that if you commit illegal acts but have a good record on the left, your good deeds overrule your criminal behavior. Hint: if you want to commit a crime, donate something to charity first!

We now know that it's alright to lie, as long as it's about sex. A message for Bob Packwood: why did you go quietly? You should've lied, it wouldn't be wrong!

We now know that male employers are allowed one free grope when they eye fresh meat in the workplace, and that unless the woman experiences major emotional and mental problems as a result, such a grope is perfectly acceptable. After all, the Paula Jones case was dismissed because Clinton only dropped his pants one time, and Paula Jones didn't seek psychiatric help as a result. So women, make sure, if your boss drops his pants and requests oral sex, you immediately run up a large psychiatric bill or forget any legal claim you think you might have!

We now know that it's acceptable to commit perjury, even to suborn perjury, if it regards testimony about sex. After all, aren't people claiming that we should just ignore Clinton's? This essentially makes any sexual harassment lawsuit obsolete, since a lie may be considered "legally accurate" in such a lawsuit -- after all, it's only about sex!

We now know that it's acceptable to commit perjury, even to suborn perjury, if the case in which it is committed is later dismissed. After all, people claim that it was perfectly fine for Clinton to lie under oath in the Paula Jones case since the case was later dismissed. Another hint: if you do find yourself in that rare circumstance of standing trial for sexual harassment, just intimidate witnesses and perjure yourself in hopes of getting the case dismissed. You'll be home free!

Oh, but we should mention one other minor detail -- you can only be 100% guaranteed of using the above tactics successfully if you're elected president of the United States on the Democratic Party ticket. Without election to that office with that party, your individual results may vary.