Lara Croft for President

by Lynn Benson
motormouth.com
October 30, 1998

Have you seen Lara Croft?

If you haven't, you're one of the dwindling few.

Lara Croft is the heroine of Eidos Interactive/Core Design's popular video game series, "Tomb Raider."

The series consists of three games, with the fourth scheduled for a November, 1998 release.

As mentioned, Lara Croft is the heroine of these increasingly popular games. The games are only recently available on the Mac platform, which is probably why more devotees crop up every time you look.

The game has its own USENET group: alt.games.tombraider. There is an official Eidos-sponsored site at www.laracroft.com, and a bang-up, highly recommended unofficial site at http://www.tombraiders.com/.

Anyway, I've been familiarizing myself with Lara's dossier and firmly believe that she is the Republican candidate we need for President in the year 2000.

Lara Croft is an archaeologist by trade, and as such has traveled the world. This job-related experience would definitely help her with foreign affairs.

She doesn't usually interact with the other people she sees, though she will, without remorse, shoot bad guys, rats and wolves.

If she'd led the mideast peace agreement, she'd probably have held Arafat and Netanyahu at gunpoint until they just signed the thing already.

Lara's no bleeding-heart gun controller. I'd imagine she'd beat Charlton Heston at his NRA game. The Tomb Raider Republic even admits that "Guns don't kill people, Lara does."

But fans of the game love Tomb Raider for its puzzles, not its violence.

Theresa at tombraiders.com says that in Tomb Raider the violence is mild, and that is one of the reasons she plays it.

"I won't play the blood and guts games." Theresa said. "Plus, it isn't very ladylike to decapitate people."

Lara's strength is not centered in her body, though my friend Brandon says that Lara is "so ridiculously buxom that it detracts from the game," but rather in her athleticism combined with the player's puzzle-solving ability.

Lara knows her storyline and sticks to it.

And don't expect that you'd ever catch her in flagrante delicto with some man she's encountered. The only man she has any real contact with is her butler, Jeeves, and they do not have an, ahem, presidential relationship.

In fact, to the players' delight, Lara is fully capable of locking Jeeves in the cellar or the refrigerator of Lara's home. Otherwise, he just follows her around, rattling a teacup and acting annoyingly.

Wouldn't we all be better off if we had a president who could simply lock away well-intended but easily dismissed staff members, without so much as looking back over his shoulder?

Her bra size is only surpassed by her ability to get out of perilous situations with style and flair.

Imagine a candidate who had such skill and ability!

Simon Cox, executive editor of Next Generation magazine, agrees that Lara is "one of the most popular video-game characters of all time." In fact, the character has inspired what Loren P., a regular on alt.games.tombraider, calls "the personality cult of Lara Croft."

Game players are genuinely fond of both the character *and* her dichotomy.

"On the one hand, she's the driving force: She's the nucleus of the story, she's allowing you to take part in her adventures." Homme A. Piest, a fan of Tomb Raider I and II since August, 1997, said. "On the other hand, she's under your control: You feel responsible for her, as if *you*'re [sic] the one taking her with you on an adventure."

Wouldn't it be great if we had a Republican (I love that I can capitalize that :-) presidential candidate of whom we all felt so fond and protective?

I don' t know about you, but Bob Dole just didn't do it for me, and neither did Bush in 1992.

In fact, in 1992 I wrote in Jack Kemp for the top job, and he was nominated for VP in 1996.

In 1996, I wrote in Elizabeth Dole for the top job, and Kemp was already on the ticket as VP for Bob Dole.

So I'm hoping that means next year we'll have an Elizabeth Dole/Jack Kemp ticket.

But I'd dump Kemp, bump E. Dole to the veep spot, and take Lara for president in an Internet minute.

Imagine: A youthful female president who's competent as all-git-out. Her body would numb mens' minds, while the women, unhindered, could guide Lara, and themselves, and the country through all of the infernal puzzles we face.


This article copyright © 1998 by Lynn Benson and may not be reproduced in any form without the express written consent of its author. All rights reserved.

Lara.gif copyright © 1998 by Eidos Interactive and may not be reproduced in any form without express written consent. All rights reserved.