Dr. Seymour Chads Has New Treatment For "PEDD!"
By Bonnie Chernin Rogoff
Rightgrrl Contributor
Founder, Jews For Life
December 15, 2000
INFOMERCIAL
Phone rings.
Jane: Hello, Marsha? Marsha!
Marsha: Oh, no! Not again. What time is it! (Yawns, looks over at clock on night table).
Jane: Marsha, it's 3 a.m. and it just won't stop!
Marsha: Oh, God. You mean the nightmares.
Jane: That's right! I dreamed I ate a bowl full of chads last night! I woke up nauseous and sick. I can't eat real food anymore and I'm losing too much weight!
Marsha: You think you have it bad. Bonnie just called me. She can't sleep at all.
Jane: No way!
Marsha: Way. She gorges on chads in her sleep. She's gained five pounds this week.
Jane: I think it's an epidemic, Marsha. Some of the girls tell me it's ruining their marriages!
Marsha: What should we do?
Ladies. Are you recounting votes in the night? Do you suffer from morning hangovers after a night filled with hanging chads? Are you breaking out in dimples? Do you find yourself plagued by post party depression? Is Joseph Lieberman groaning in your ear, even during intimate moments with your spouse?
Well, you're not alone. You may be a victim of 'PEDD,' or Post Election Distress Disorder. But don't despair. Now, there's help. Dr. Seymour Chads created the remarkable Chads Behavioral Audio Visual Retraining System to help alleviate the symptoms of this common ailment among voting women.
"Certain women are more susceptible to the current chad madness in our nation, and can't function without knowing we have a President," explains Dr. Chads. "Women who are insecure can't handle stress and are overtaken by fear in the absence of certainty. These women seem to experience the worst symptoms. Some get hooked and become chaddicts. They eat, sleep and dream about chads day and night. I devised my system for them."
For less than the price of an airline ticket to Miami, you can reclaim your peace of mind, and ease and overcome the most common symptoms of PEDD. Our incredible tapes show you how. Here's what you get.
After only two weeks of listening to our tapes and watching our video you will:
a) Learn how to put an end to those false pregnancy tests.
b) What to do when your dog's wagging tail changes into Al Gore's wagging finger.
c) How to stop eating, bending and taping chads in your sleep. What to do once you're out of control and have become chaddicted. Diminish chad binging.
d) Eye exercises to correct common chad vision disorders, such as seeing slivers of light when there is no light there. What to do when you start seeing double and fallen chads.
e) Anti-chad chants to repeat at bedtime that are guaranteed to end disturbing and recurring nightmares of vote counters, Votamatic machines, and ballot boxes.
f) What three things to eat every morning that are guaranteed to help you lose your taste for chads in the night. How to prevent chad attacks.
g) How to stop your panic of Inauguration Day from taking over your life.
h) What your husband must do prior to intimate relations that will bar Joseph Lieberman from your bedroom, and stop his incessant groaning in your ear.
You get all the above, for only $150. But that's not all! Act now, and we'll send you the Gore-matic Doll, ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! This doll has been used successfully as part of our treatment program for women with a tendency to cry easily. Press in its stomach, and the Gore-matic Doll will speak the following words: "I Will Never Be President of the United States." Call within the next 10 minutes, and we'll include the Joseph Lieberman Doll. Press in Lieberman's stomach, and he'll groan: "Al, thou shalt not steal this election!" These dolls are guaranteed to bring a smile to the face of the most hopeless chaddict. This is an exceptional offer. Don't Tom Delay! ACT NOW!!!!
Send your double-punched cancelled checks to:
PEDD Express
c/o Dr. Seymour Chads
P.O. Box WhoKnowsWhereWhenOrWhy
Chadsworth, California
*This is a limited time exclusive offer from PEDD Express. This offer will expire when Governor George W. Bush is sworn in as President. Offer not subject to recalls or recounts. No Cash, Credit or C.O.D. (chads on delivery). Offer void where prohibited, except for Miami-Dade, Palm Beach and Broward Counties, where only two orders are accepted per customer. Offer not valid at any United States Military Bases. >
Copyright 2000 by Bonnie Chernin Rogoff. Not to be reproduced in any fashion, in whole or in part, without written consent from the author. All rights reserved.