By Bonnie Chernin Rogoff
Founder, Jews For Life
May 29, 2001
The past few weeks has brought us terrible news. The FBI bungled the McVeigh case, his execution is on hold and he may get a new trial.
However, not all news is bad news. For those of us in search of the Fountain of Youth, a new study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine may relegate Ponce de Leon into the dusty history bins for good.
The researchers believe they have discovered the key to longevity. After doing a retrospective on the lifespans of Oscar winners like Greer Garson, Anthony Quinn and others, they concluded that receiving an Academy Award is the secret to a longer life. What this means, of course, is that the better an actor you are, or the more convincing you are perceived to be, the longer you will live.
Wow. That's great news for cheating husbands.
How many of you happened to see Jeb Bush's pathetic performance the other night? Instead of doing an aside and ignoring the charges, the poor guy gets up on stage and valiantly defends his honor, declaring his undying love to his wife.
Definitely not Oscar potential, I dare say.
Look, two years ago, Mrs. Jeb went shopping. And when a woman goes shopping, a man is guilty.
For certain members of the Democratic Party, the study could not have surfaced at a better time. Recently, I consulted with renowned self-promoter, Hollywood film director, acting coach and psychologist, Dr. Seymour Aegis. I was doing a story on Senator Ted Kennedy, who often has stated that the Chappaquidick accident was not his fault.
Dr. Aegis was impressed with the Senator.
"It's a performance worthy of an Oscar," explains Dr. Aegis. "Massachusetts voters continue to support him. Even today, with a conservative President, he was able to convince some Republican Senators that school vouchers are bad, although everyone knows how important it is to give parents a choice in educating their children. I give Senator Kennedy at least a hundred more years to live."
What about Sens. Hillary and Chuck?
"Bravo. Masters of the Art of Deception!" raved Dr. Aegis. "Those two are on record as defending the atrocious crime of partial birth abortion, or infanticide. As with all capable actors, they have duped many co-Congressional conspirators into believing murder is a choice."
So how many years would they be expected to live?
"Oh, at least two hundred," replied Dr. Aegis. "However, Hillary will upstage Chuck. Despite her anti-Semitic dialogue and long-standing reputation as an opponent of Israel, she still was able to persuade a majority of New York Jewish voters to vote for her. What an incredible feat. Simply amazing."
Dr. Aegis estimates that Hillary may live to be 250, perhaps even 300 years of age, and through the art of the lie, may spend her remaining centuries in the Senate.
That's enough to give anybody age fright.
Unfortunately, the Oscar/longevity study is a terrible revelation for born-again Christians and Orthodox Jews, who tend to be more honest than the rest of the population. Dr. Aegis sadly lowered his eyes when I dropped the names of Attorney General John Ashcroft and President Bush.
Apparently, these two religious politicians haven't got a cue.
"They haven't a prayer," he concurred sadly. "Their blight is that they are truthful. From an actor's perspective, the skill is to project realism into a fictional character, and convey an unreal story as sincere. If you're honest, you're just being yourself. That's not acting!"
Which is why Democrats, for the most part, will live longer than most Republicans.
The new study may be helpful to murder suspects, and other convicted felons who take the stand, too. A little hanky, a few teardrops, and the jury will weep with them, and reward their compelling performances with…well…less than a life sentence. In this regard, Dr. Aegis commented on second degree murder conviction of 14 year old Nathaniel Brazill, who shot his teacher dead at point blank range.
"Excellent hanky effect. Superb acting. Not a dry eye on the jury. Mr. Brazill avoided a life sentence, can expect early parole, and will live to a ripe old age.
Dr. Aegis also projected super long lives for O.J. Simpson's defense team, for what he called "a compelling courtroom drama, presented so effectively that the jury couldn't even convict." In light of the evidence, "a new award category should be created for attorneys, who deserve special Oscars for defending the indefensible and making it appear rational. That takes talent."
At the end of our interview, I asked Dr. Aegis to tell me who he thinks is the greatest actor that ever lived.
"That's easy. Bill Clinton. He can make up a story better than Lon Chaney made up his face. The Monica Lewinsky statement, that he never had sex with her…ah! Pure genius! His performance redefined sexual mores - oral sex is not sex. Mr. Clinton is so good he should be appointed Director of the Screen Actors Guild! Based on the study's stats, he will live forever. Nobody can ever tell Bill Clinton to get a life!
Indeed, Dr. Seymour Aegis gave Bill Clinton the highest grade for performance and delivery.
"Twenty Oscars, plus an honorary! He should garnish the highest praise from fellow political thespians, and enjoy longevity far beyond the rest."
As for Al Gore?
"Very credible dramatic representation of the Florida recount story. He re-wrote the script. That's why I believe Mr. Gore will be around for quite awhile, and may come in second to Mr. Clinton and ahead of Hillary. I give him 400 years."
As we ended our interview, Dr. Aegis noted that a gigantic birthday bash was already in the works for Bill Clinton, to be hosted by Barbra and Alec at an as yet undisclosed date and location in the 25th century.
Copyright 2001 by Bonnie Chernin Rogoff. Not to be reproduced in any fashion, in whole or in part, without written consent from the author. All rights reserved.