This is the speech Bill Maher thought the President should have given:
My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult,
almost impossible thing-explaining sex to Ken Starr. I
have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own.
Did this really happen? Did I really work my ass off my whole
life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the
stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for?
I balance the budget. I preside over an unimpeachable era of
peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for
fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown out civil case by
a woman whose gripe was she saw my weeny in the disco era?
Are you people kidding me? And now you want an apology?
I don't think so.
But I'll tell you what I am sorry about. I'm sorry that for the service
I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better. I
ain't Marv Albert over here, all right?
And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being
about sex. If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain
on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood.
Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid. I'm sorry wives don't like
giving oral sex. I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human
being in need of some affection and release in what some might
consider a high stress job. And by the way, next time one of our
embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand holding,
remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling
a jury about my penis.
Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex. Yeah, right, it's about lying. Well,
grow up. People lie about sex. And nobody else in the world lapses
into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a special
persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create perjury
crimes. But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick? If
that makes me a criminal, take me away right now. But I also go as a
victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional
fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to
overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only
real source of political legitimacy?
And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70%
approval rating. And to those many others who feel their
curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who
feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing
up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want.
You want the truth? You want to know what I really think? Well, here
it is:
The chubby bitch gives great head.
Thank you and goodnight.
Back to It's Just About Sex